If I couldn't have a healthy relationship with a man...

Oh wait. I can't. Let's revisit that later.

If I were a desperate c-rag in love with my roommate and had never been within 20 feet of a human penis....

What would I do with my day?

Oh, I would get up and tag pictures of the roommate I'm hopelessly in love with on facebook. And then I'd hump my teddy "bear".

God, I'm so happy I can get laid by flesh and blood and not plush and buttons.

Ooohhhhhh Duchovny...

I have loved you for...many years; spent half my life pining for you. Would give to you many of my rings and then some. But alas...you've gone and become a sex fiend with/for somebody else. This would hurt less if I weren't watching Californication right now and realizing how damn hot you are. Really hot. 40 whatever and going hot. Shit. Thank god for Fat Jack or I really might wade through the pervies and find you in sex rehab. Heart, DD