If I couldn't have a healthy relationship with a man...

Oh wait. I can't. Let's revisit that later.

If I were a desperate c-rag in love with my roommate and had never been within 20 feet of a human penis....

What would I do with my day?

Oh, I would get up and tag pictures of the roommate I'm hopelessly in love with on facebook. And then I'd hump my teddy "bear".

God, I'm so happy I can get laid by flesh and blood and not plush and buttons.

Ooohhhhhh Duchovny...

I have loved you for...many years; spent half my life pining for you. Would give to you many of my rings and then some. But alas...you've gone and become a sex fiend with/for somebody else. This would hurt less if I weren't watching Californication right now and realizing how damn hot you are. Really hot. 40 whatever and going hot. Shit. Thank god for Fat Jack or I really might wade through the pervies and find you in sex rehab. Heart, DD

Idiot #3

The Flying Idiot.

I met this idiot at camp. The Poconos. Summer of....'02. I was just 21. And this awkward Welsh bastard catches my eye. We competed in a decathalon over the second half of the summer (the first half was spent chasing a bisexual canadian...again, another blog) which I don't think anyone won. Anyhoo...wooed this bastard like crazy and failed to make any progress until the last days of camp when we...made out for 20 minutes in front of my cabin.

This guy didn't have a girlfriend to go back to. No job to focus on. I think he was just...indecisive? Who knows. But, um, at the end of the summer we all left camp and went to NYC and spent the night at the Milford Plaza hotel where I planned to, um, have him fly his plane into my hangar. unfortunately, as the deed was about to be done, our friend Beth wanders in drunk and wet from splashing in central park fountains and starts chattering away in the bed next to us. As we try- unfruitfully- to shut her up, other people start wandering in and there is no sex.

Later I travel to the UK- not JUST to make sext w/ the flying idiot...though it was a big priority- to hang out. On NYE '02/'03, we spend the night at our friend Nic's and....do not make sex! How does a girl as horny as me allow this?? I do not know. I later go to Wales, where this idiot lives with his mom, break his shitty Ikea bed, and have no sex.

A year-ish later, I go- primarily- to visit the gay but doesn't know it idiot, and end up visiting with THIS idiot at another friend's house in Manchester. We get hot, and drunk, and in the same bed...and did not make sex. It's unbelievable. I still think about this idiot- in many ways, including romantically- and am sad that all our "romantic" encounters ended so innocently.

So the song, "Do you wanna make love to me?", is for you, not because i wonder as much, but because a part of me still wants to.

Oh, flying idiot, I miss you. Didn't you say that you were coming to the states this year? Can't we add LA to the list of no-sex stops? just asking...

Pick my scooter (color)!

I'm getting a scooter. I already have a helmet

Now I need something to wear it on. Besides the pitching mound. So which one?

The Idiot List

If you live in LA, you may know about Indie 103's coup d'etat- one hour a week where an Indie listener gets to play 12 songs of their choosing and talk about all things not pertaining to the word "tits" (another blog, sorry)

If you have talked to me at all in the last five years, you know about my 'idiots"- the men in my life who are not my boyfriend (but perhaps should be)

The Idiots- a few of them more than others- have been tremendously influential in my life. My political views. My DVD collection. The stamps on my passport. The amount of time spent at the post office. The slow/rapid pickling of my liver. And of course: My taste in music. So here it is, Idiots; this is your list

12. Scissor Sisters- Filthy/ Gorgeous (Brooklyn Idiot)
11. Of Montreal- Heimdalsgate Like a Promethean Curse (Roommate Idiot)
10. Presets- Are You the One? (Duchovny, the Should-Be Idiot)
9. Porterville- Humankind (Comic Book Idiot)
8. Hot Hot Heat- Not a Secret Now (Gay- But Han't Yet Admitted It- Idiot)
7. Kaiser Chiefs- Every Day I Love You Less and Less (Almost Married Idiot)
6. Cake- Arco Arena (Canadian Idiot)
5. The Fizzies- Smack Davis (Chorizo Idiot)
4. Dogs Die in Hot Cars- Paul Newman's Eyes (The Original Idiot)
3. Kooks- Do You Want to Make Love to Me? (Flying Idiot)

The pentultimate Idiot has requested, nay, demanded, that he not be referred to as an Idiot. Therefore these are the Cutlets cuts

2. The Leevees- Applesauce vs. Sour Cream
1. Gogol Bordello- American Wedding, but only because Think Locally, Fuck Globally can obviously not be played on the radio

Left off the list were the First Time Idiot (because he's really more of a schmuck) and the one, and only, boyfriend who had the BF title and thus could not be classified as an Idiot. There are stories that connect the Idiots to the songs. Stay tuned

I've been told I'm not funny...

You may know that this sentiment offends me greatly. You may know that I've spent the last two weeks refuting it. You may know that I'm eating a strawberry yogurt despite the fact that I'm a fantastic lactard. But I bet you don't know what level my gastric distress will reach in the next six hours. Neither do I. Neither do I...

But the funny thing. Despite hurling my best arguments at these people and myself, I have been unable to convince my critics- or McBoozenstein herself- that I'm funny. Per these guys, I'm irrefutably quick witted, sarcastic, and able to make anything...ANYTHING...a sexual innuendo, but I'm not independently amusing.

For instance: when prodded to "do something funny"...can't do it. "Tell us a funny story"...I froze. I think I could pull that if really necessary; I did get skewered on a fence, after all. But, not funny. I accept this, I suppose. Guess I'll just keep making dick jokes and saying "that's what the hooker said!" I'm down with that