Dear touring band, I want to be your merch girl

I don't know about you, but I hate my job and I'm looking for a change. A big one.

I'm currently a manager at a big retail store and I have no desire to punch in and out at that place anymore. What do I want to do? No clue. But I know it involves music.

In happier, more productive years, I worked at major market radio stations as a producer, copy writer, ad salesperson, promotions director and anything else extra they could get me to do without paying me. I've worked with several small to big on the local/regional scene bands as booker, manager, tour director, publicist, shrink, chauffer, and merch girl. I've also organized many meet and greets, in-store performances/ signings and general appearances for big record label bands for the retailer I'm currently seeking to detach myself from. In a nutshell, I am waaaaay overqualified to be your merch girl.

Why do I want to do it? I'm bored and I want to get back on the road. With a purpose. If I like your band, it would be cool, but not necessary. That said, these are my requirements from you:

REQUIREMENTS

- You are a band (no solo artists)
- You will play in a minimum of eight states during your tour; if you leave the country, that counts as two states
- You let me ride in the vehicle of primary transport with you (I will drive. I like to drive at night and I can usually go 3-4 hours uniterrupted. I do like to drink, though, so you better let me know when it's my turn to be the DD)
- You have a place for me to stay that is equal to your accomodations (if everybody else sleeps in the van, I will too. If y'all are sleeping in the HoJo and I have an air mattress and a tent, we've got a problem)
- I don't get asked to pay for things that don't directly affect me

PREFERENCES

- You don't suck
- There's at least one hot guy in your band in case I get horny
- You already have merch for me to sell (I'm quite connected in the garment and design industry, so I can get stuff made)
- At least one of you is comfortable speaking to reporters/ radio stations
- You're comfortable with the fact that I wear t-shirts that say "Loves the Cock" and "Copulator"

To summarize my skills not previously mentioned: I'm a die hard music chick that loves to see musicians succeed. I wear offensive t-shirts. I'm extremely sociable and people like me. My tits will look good in your band's shirt. I'm not so ferociously good looking that your girlfriend(s) will be pissed/threatened I'm on the road with you. I have a foul mouth and a dirty sense of humor. I'm low maintenance. I'm in my mid 20's but can choose when I do and don't want to act my age. I'm kind of a big deal.

Let me know if you want me to sell merch for you.